I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
