...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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