Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Randomize
