I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
