got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
