He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Four minutes until I can fart!
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
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