Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
