Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
