I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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