I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I got inside last night via doggy door
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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