Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
