he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
