So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
