Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
