The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
My cat gives me a boner
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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