Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
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