Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
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