i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
