Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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