I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
