Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
