Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
