I need to stop coming to work sober
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
