I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
