ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
