U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
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