Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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