Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Can you bring me the toilet please
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
