Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Omg I joined a choir last night...
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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