You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
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Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
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he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
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