Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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