Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I came so hard my ears popped.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
