I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
