He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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