Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
