just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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