My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
