i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
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