He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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