she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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