omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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