she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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