i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
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i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
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All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
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