dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
