so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
