saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
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