be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
