Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Randomize
