We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
