i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
