moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
