she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
