i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
