You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
