There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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