i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
