"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
