oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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