mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I wish they made helmets for livers.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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