just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
