I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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