Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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