Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
