omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
