the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Randomize
